


Here's To Teenage Memories

by felixfrckls



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys Kissing, But makes it better, Chan screwed up, Eventual Fluff, Getting Back Together, M/M, Mention Of Homophobia, Past Lovers, Past Relationship(s), Prom, Yeji is mentioned as a character, mention of violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:20:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24111208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felixfrckls/pseuds/felixfrckls
Summary: “Don’t you dare lay a finger on me ever again,” Felix spat, his voice so full of venom that he himself couldn’t recognise it.But Felix was not the same naive kid Chan used to know, he was the one who had made sure of that.“Felix, please,” Chan pleaded, trying to stop the boy from his mission to get away from him.“Did you know it?” Felix asked, his voice extremely low. “Did you know I was going to be here?” he repeated himself. The fire of his voice growing with every word.“I did,” Chan confirmed before raising his eyes to meet Felix’s disappointed expression. “Changbin told me about you,” Chan explained, knowing there was no point in lying.“Just stay the fuck away from me,” Felix threatened, taking another step back. It seemed like the whole cafeteria was holding its breath together with Chan. “Please,” Felix finished in a whisper, his voice about to crack, revealing for the first time how upset he actually was.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 27
Kudos: 214





	Here's To Teenage Memories

**Author's Note:**

> It took me over a year to write this so I hope you enjoy!!

Felix’s life had not always been as easy as he liked others to believe. 

There had been people in his past who made him the person he was today, in both good and bad ways. Felix tended to stay quiet, to keep his problems for himself and, above all, to not trust others as easily as he used to. 

That was the lesson someone taught him a long time ago. 

Thinking back at it, it wasn’t that surprising that none of the people he could now call friends knew about his past, they didn’t know about that person who had made it as awful as it was but, at the same time, had been his everything. 

Unbeknownst to Felix, on a rainy day of March, that past was fighting its way back into his present. 

The hallways were packed with exhausted students when Felix and Jisung got to school. The new school year had started no more than two weeks ago and both boys still needed to get used to the tight schedule after having spent their summer relaxing and having fun. 

Felix had got his driving license that same summer, Jisung and Changbin treating him for dinner to celebrate that night. Even though Changbin had already got his own, Felix was the one who now picked up Jisung and the older from their houses and drove them all to school since Changbin’s mom needed the car in the morning. It had become a normal routine for the past week but, apparently, on that particular day, Changbin didn’t have to be in school until nine since his teacher was ill, so he took the chance to sleep in for an hour more. 

The bell was just about to ring when Felix and Jisung reached their lockers, put their books away and started to make their way to their separate classes. Even though they were both the same age, they didn’t share as many lessons as one would expect since they had chosen two different paths. The only subjects they did share were history and English, Felix focusing his studies on financial and economic whilst Jisung focused on literature and poetry like Changbin. 

Just before Felix got into his classroom, leaving Jisung to walk alone to his, the older called for his attention. 

“See you at lunch later? Changbin-hyung said he wanted to introduce us to a new classmate of his. The guy doesn't know anyone here,” Felix nodded, excited to meet someone new. 

“Sounds good to me.” 

Felix liked to make new friends but had always been too shy to approach strangers on his own, so he was excited to have Jisung and Changbin by his side. The two of them were definitely more outgoing than Felix was, and they knew him better than anyone else did. The two understood when they could push him, but were also aware of his boundaries. 

Lessons went by reasonably fast and, just as expected, Felix, Jisung and Changbin didn’t have the chance to meet before lunch-break started. When the bell finally signalled the end of the morning, Jisung waited for Felix outside of his class so that they could walk to the cafeteria together. Changbin wasn’t there yet so they decided to save a table for the four of them before they both got in line to get their trays of food. 

Felix and Jisung chatted a bit while they waited, complaining about the huge amount of work their teachers already assigned. Even though they tried to focus on the conversation, it was clear that both of them were too excited to actually follow what the other was actually saying. Jisung, as the social butterfly that he was, couldn’t wait to meet this new guy Changbin was about to introduce them to, while Felix couldn't help feeling nervous at the idea of meeting someone new who he had to make a good first impression on. 

Finally getting their food, Felix and Jisung sat at their table, patiently waiting for what was about to happen. With their backs turned to the door, neither of them heard Changbin walk in, his voice drowned out by those of the students in the cafeteria. Once he reached the front of the table, Jisung and Felix interrupted their conversation to greet their best friend and the guy he was with. 

When Felix turned from Changbin to the new guy, ready to properly introduce himself, he was met with the face of someone he wanted to have nothing to do with. 

“Felix,” the boy called, almost whispered and Felix shivered. 

That voice, that tone, that accent, all things that brought Felix to a past he had worked so hard to forget. 

Felix shot up from his seat, both Jisung and Changbin looking at him surprised. 

“Chris,” Felix whispered, blinking his eyes quickly. As a spell, suddenly, all the excitement Felix had felt about possibly making a new friend washed away. 

Chan looked nothing like he used to, his curly hair was now bleached blonde, just like Felix’s and he looked taller and broader. But, even though those things did change, his eyes didn’t and now, Felix could read in them emotions he hadn't seen in Chan in a long, long while. 

Regret, fear, hope. 

In response, Felix’s eyes turned deathly cold and all he could feel in himself was the strong desire to put as much distance between them as he could, by running away as quickly and far as possible. 

“I'm not doing this,” Felix said, more to himself than to anyone else. 

Changbin and Jisung were frozen, completely caught off guard, while Chan had probably expected that kind of reaction from him. After all, Felix thought, it would have been foolish of Chan to believe there was a chance for Felix to be happy to see him again. 

Felix took a step back, his angry eyes still staring at the boy in front of him, not believing he had actually had the guts to show up like that and think everything was going to be alright. Felix walked with quick steps towards the main entrance, not even taking a moment to stop and explain to his best friends what was going on. 

As he was a couple of steps away from the door and his back was turned to the table where he had been sitting just moments before, he felt a hand grab his wrist. He knew who that hand belonged to the moment it came in contact with his skin, the feeling so awfully familiar that he felt dirty on the spot. He jerked his arm away, turning to who he knew was Chan, still trying to reach out for him. 

“Don’t you dare lay a finger on me ever again,” Felix spat, his voice so full of venom that he himself couldn’t recognise it. He took pride in the way Chan backed away, surprised and upset, not expecting such treatment from Felix. 

But Felix was not the same naive kid Chan used to know, he was the one who had made sure of that. 

“Felix, please,” Chan pleaded, trying to stop the boy from his mission to get away from him. 

Anger boiled in Felix’s veins at the sound of Chan’s voice, so soft and gentle. That tone of voice he once used with him before deciding to mess Felix up and destroy everything he had worked so hard for. It only made Felix remember how everything that came after was his fault. 

“Did you know it?” Felix asked, his voice extremely low. “Did you know I was going to be here?” he repeated himself. The fire of his voice growing with every word. 

Chan lowered his eyes, feeling small under Felix’s menacing stare. The cafeteria had grown quiet, everyone curious to know what was going on and surprised to see Felix, the shy and reserved boy, losing his temper like that. 

“I did,” Chan confirmed before raising his eyes to meet Felix’s disappointed expression. “Changbin told me about you,” Chan explained, knowing there was no point in lying. 

“Just stay the fuck away from me,” Felix threatened, taking another step back. It seemed like the whole cafeteria was holding its breath together with Chan. “Please,” Felix finished in a whisper, his voice about to crack, revealing for the first time how upset he actually was. 

Chan felt his heart drop in his stomach at the sight of Felix running away from him, so broken and devastated, emotions that he had never associated with Felix before. Jisung and Changbin were quick to run after the boy, worried for their friend. 

Chan stayed there, staring at them, staring at where Felix once stood. 

... 

With the clear intention of getting away from there as fast as possible, Felix didn’t even hear Changbin and Jisung calling after him. 

“Fe, stop!” Jisung called, quickening his pace to follow Felix’s path. 

Snapping out of it because of his friends’ worried voices, Felix stopped abruptly. He had run all the way to the other side of the school, right at the bottom of the stairs leading to the third floor. Changbin and Jisung stood just right behind him with their hands on their knees, panting heavily to catch their breath. 

“What happened back there?” Changbin asked, taking notice of the way Felix was looking around him, almost as if he was scared of seeing someone approaching them. It took no genius to figure out who Felix was so afraid to meet again. 

“Nothing. Everything is okay,” Felix clearly lied, his eyes still roaming over the hallway where they came from. 

“That’s a lie. You look incredibly upset and you just made a scene in front of the whole cafeteria,” Jisung pointed out, his voice not accusing at all but rather concerned. 

Felix didn’t answer, still trying to understand what had happened in the last ten minutes. 

Not only had Felix never mentioned Chan, but his friends didn’t even know anything about his past, about what he had struggled with. He had wanted to keep it that way, to move on from that part of his life while being the only one who knew the truth about it. 

“Do you know Chan-hyung?” Changbin asked hesitantly. The answer was clear already but there was no way of introducing the topic without making Felix feel like they were trying to push him to talk. No sign could be more straightforward than the way Felix froze at the mere sound of Chan's name. 

“No,” Felix said without missing a beat, his body still tense. Both Changbin and Jisung just stared at him, waiting for him to understand that, if he wanted to, he could stop lying to them. Felix sighed, “yes, I do know him.” 

His friends furrowed their brows, still not fully getting what had happened to make Felix so upset. “What was that, though? Why did he look so guilty and you ran away like that?” Jisung pried, his voice still gentle not to scare Felix away even more. 

“Look, guys, I trust you but he was a part of my life I don't want to have anything to do with anymore,” Felix answered, making it crystal clear that he was still not ready to share the reason behind the whole scene. 

“Did he do something to you?” Changbin suddenly asked as if he had read something between the lines of what Felix had just told them. 

Felix shivered at the question, his mind taking him back to that moment he had tried so hard to forget and had instead been brought back by the simple sight of Chan. Felix couldn’t lie anymore but it still didn’t mean that he was going to tell them everything so suddenly. 

“He did,” Felix confirmed his voice much more sorrowful than intended. “He was a part of my life you don’t know anything about but I’m not ready to talk about it yet,” Felix explained as the fierceness he had shown in the cafeteria slowly dissipated. 

Changbin and Jisung looked downright murderous at the idea of someone hurting their best friend, someone Changbin was so excited to introduce them to. 

“I swear I will never talk to him again,” Jisung promised. 

“Please wait,” Felix stopped them, the words surprising him too. “Just because Chr–Chan did what he did to me, I don’t want to choose for you two. You have all the rights to befriend him if you want to, I don’t mind. Just don’t force me to do the same,” Felix reasoned. 

Just because Chan had long ago decided to ruin Felix’s chances to be comfortable with trusting new people, he didn’t want to childishly do the same to him. He was more mature than that and he wasn’t so selfish to force his friends to avoid someone just because of him. He didn’t want Chan to hurt Changbin and Jisung in any way if the two actually decided to listen to Felix and do what they felt like doing but, at the same time, a small, hidden part of Felix couldn’t steal away from Chan the chance of having someone in his life as amazing as Changbin and Jisung were. Maybe Chan didn’t deserve it after all he had done, but Felix had always been too kind for his own good. 

“We don’t know what happened between you two, but Chan-hyung looks like a nice guy, maybe he isn’t the person you used to know anymore and you two could get along better now,” Changbin hopefully suggested, clearly not understanding how much more serious things between Chan and Felix were. 

Felix couldn’t bring himself to destroy that hope and he didn’t feel like throwing onto his best friends the weight of Chan’s actions, so he smiled at them, the corners of his lips turning up slightly in an attempt to end the conversation. 

“Yes, maybe,” he said, these words just as empty as he felt, “I need some fresh air now, you guys can go back to the cafeteria if you want to.” As much as Felix tried to sound casual about it, it was clear that he was still upset and needed some time alone, his already fallen smile hinting just as much. 

Jisung looked at Changbin worriedly, not knowing whether it was a good idea to leave Felix alone or not. When Changbin sighed but nodded Jisung looked back at Felix. “Please, call us if there's anything you need, okay?” Jisung made sure to ask, not liking the idea of leaving Felix alone in the slightest. 

“Don’t worry, I will,” Felix assured, feeling a bit warmer at how much his friends cared. 

They parted ways, Felix slowly walking to the backyard with his head swimming in thoughts filled with memories and fears, while Changbin and Jisung went back to the cafeteria to finish their lunch. As Felix stopped a second to think about it, his best friends’ lives were now intertwined with the one of someone coming from Felix’s past that could ruin everything he had worked so hard for with three simple words. 

... 

Being the best friends they were, Changbin and Jisung didn’t force Felix to hang out when Chan was present but they still always invited him to tag along. Felix never joined them but he was glad that, even now that Changbin, Jisung and Chan had apparently grown pretty close, his best friends didn’t forget about him. It was something he wasn’t that used to. 

He still didn’t know how Changbin and Jisung had handled things back in the cafeteria that first day and, although he was curious, he couldn't bring himself to ask them anything about the boy, feeling too uncomfortable seeing Chan in the hallways and hearing his friends talk about him so much. 

As if someone had read his thoughts, Jisung stopped him in the hallways just after school was over. “Hey Fe, do you wanna come over at hyung’s?” he asked cheerfully. 

Felix didn’t waste a second to ask the usual question, “Is Chan going to be there?”. 

Even if he tried, he couldn’t bring himself to call Chan _hyung_ and the lack of any sort of honorific still surprised Jisung. Felix felt guilty at the way Jisung's bright smile suddenly turned into a gloomy pout. 

“Jisung...” Felix began but the boy soon cut him off. 

“Fe, we know something happened between you two but I feel like we haven’t spent time together in ages, every time Chan-hyung is there you don’t come. We miss our best friend,” Jisung let out, all so quick that he merged some of the words together. “I’m not asking you to talk to him or anything but just hang out with us again. Binnie-hyung and I are going to be there, you know we wouldn't let anything happen, right?” he continued, his voice taking a pleading tone. 

Felix’s first instinct was to decline again, the idea of being face to face with Chan scaring him more than he liked to admit. But at the same time, he missed his best friends too and it was unfair to them to keep avoiding those situations when it was clear that they were doing their best to understand him. Felix felt safe around them and, if a single afternoon together could make them happy, then he could put aside his worries and spend some time with them, even though Chan's presence was surely going to make things more difficult. 

Felix sighed as Jisung's eyes started sparkling with hope, "lead the way." 

The walk to Changbin's house was a short one, Changbin and Chan, Felix guessed, were already there since their lessons finished minutes before Jisung’s and Felix's. On the way there, Felix tried his best to hide how nervous he was but was clearly not doing a good job and, in fact, Jisung called him out for it. 

"This whole situation really affects you, doesn't it?" Jisung asked, feeling guilty at the idea of being the reason why Felix was forced to endure the afternoon when it was clearly freaking him out. 

"It does, it really does," Felix whispered, too afraid his voice would falter if he spoke any louder. 

"Fe, I'm sorry we forced you into this," Jisung quickly apologised as he stopped walking. "If, for any reason, you feel uncomfortable or need us, send a look our way and we'll do our best to change that, okay? I'll let hyung know too. I promise, whatever you need we'll always have your back,” Jisung reassured him as his hand came to rest on Felix’s arm for comfort. 

And yes, Felix did feel a bit more relaxed now, remembering that Jisung and Changbin were still his best friends and wouldn’t let him get hurt. 

At the same time, though, that insecurity Felix was familiar with creeping its way into his chest, resting heavily there. Changbin and Jisung said they were always going to be there for him but they weren't the only ones who had said those words to him. They couldn’t know it but Chan had used almost the same words, just in another language, all those years ago to make sure Felix knew he was special to him and nothing could come between them. 

Felix almost felt like laughing at the irony of the situation. 

Nevertheless, he tried to focus on his best friend in front of him who was still waiting for an answer. 

“I will. Thank you, Sungie,” Felix said, quickly hugging the boy to make him feel all that gratitude he didn’t know how to put into words. 

When they finally came face to face with the door of the Seo’s home, Jisung turned one last time towards Felix and, as the younger nodded, he rang the doorbell. Changbin’s mother was quick to let them in, used to the boys coming over at random hours of the day. She didn’t fail to point out how it felt like she hadn't seen Felix in weeks, hugging him tightly before letting them make their way to Changbin’s room on the first floor. 

The door of the bedroom was closed but Changbin’s and Chan's voices still rang loudly in the hallway. Felix felt a pang in his chest but, surprised, he realised he wasn’t as nervous as he was before. 

No, now he was almost annoyed. 

He was determined to make Chan see how happy he was even after everything he had done to him and he especially wanted to show Chan that he wasn’t the same foolish kid he used to know. With new-found confidence, he took a deep breath before Jisung threw the door open and loudly made his way in, Felix following suit. 

Changbin was pleasantly surprised to see him there if the way he stumbled on his feet was a hint. 

“Fe,” he yelled before throwing his arms around the boy. 

“God, you’re acting like we haven't seen each other in months,” Felix chuckled but hugged back happily. 

He had definitely missed his best friends. 

If Changbin was surprised, Chan looked almost shocked to see him there. He had somehow got used to the idea of seeing Felix but not being able to approach him since, as Felix had told him himself, he wanted to be as far as possible from him. To see Felix there when the younger had probably been aware of his presence hit him even harder. 

_“Small steps, Chan, small steps,”_ he thought. 

Chan's eyes were still wide when Felix met his gaze and, weirdly enough, the younger didn’t turn away but gave him a short nod, a greeting in its cold way. Chan was satisfied with the little exchange he got and, while Changbin, Jisung and Felix spent a few minutes catching up, he used that time to look at Felix as subtly as possible. He wasn’t stupid, he knew he was the reason why Felix had been avoiding hanging out with his friends and, now that he had sort of gone over that, Chan surely wasn’t going to give him another reason to run away again. 

Over the last year, Felix had definitely changed, even more than Chan himself had. The baby fat on his cheeks had left noticing his now sharp cheekbones and full lips, his hair dyed to the same bleached blonde as Chan's. They were now the same height even though Chan was a bit more muscular and Felix had kept that grace and lightness that had always characterised him. 

With a small, barely-there smile, Chan noticed how Felix’s freckles were out in the open, beautifully dotting his skin. When things between them were easier, Chan had always made sure that Felix knew just how beautiful his freckles were as the younger had felt too self-conscious about them. 

The sparkle in Felix’s eyes was still there too even though it dimmed down every time his eyes met Chan's. Nothing could be the way it was before but Chan couldn’t help thinking that the mere fact that Felix was willing to stay in the same room as him could already be considered an achievement in its own way. 

The first hour of that hangout session went pretty smoothly and Felix was glad Jisung and Changbin were there to fill the awkward silences and somehow make him forget how weird the situation was. He hadn’t spoken a word to Chan but he still listened when the older was talking and laughed along if something funny came out from the conversation. 

At some point, as Changbin and Chan were busy talking about some of the lessons they shared and Jisung was telling him about a poem he had been working on, Felix had leant to the side to get the backpack lying on the floor beside the bed they were sitting on. 

He hadn’t realised his shirt had ridden up, showing a little part of his side until Jisung talked. 

“God, Felix, what is that?” he asked worried as he noticed the scar on Felix’s side. There was a white straight line marking his skin as if the flash there had been cut. The sudden question had made Changbin and Chan interrupt their conversation too to see what Jisung was talking about. 

“It’s just a scar I got when I was younger,” Felix explained casually as he moved his eyes to his side too. The scar could indeed look pretty nasty to someone who didn’t know how it got there. 

Without thinking, Felix met Chan's eyes and in them, he saw the realisation dawn on the boy and he was torn between acknowledging it or pretending like Chan wasn’t in the room in the first place. 

“What the hell happened? It almost looks like a stab,” Changbin asked, both curious and worried sick even though Felix was clearly safe and sound in front of them. 

The younger took a second to think about the answer to give before letting out a dull chuckle that sent shivers down Chan's spine. 

”There were these guys in my previous school that didn’t like me that much,” Felix started, avoiding Chan's eyes until the end, “on the last day before I moved here, they cornered me outside of the building and had a pretty fun time punching me. They left me there but they didn’t realise that I had fallen on a broken glass bottle, I got cut and had to go to the hospital for stitches. Actually, they probably noticed, they just didn’t care.” 

That was the moment when, proud of himself, Felix turned to look at Chan's pained expression. He knew that Chan wanted to say something but he couldn’t do that without revealing everything about their shared past that Jisung and Changbin still didn’t know. 

“Did you tell someone?” Jisung asked and Felix found it almost comical how, while Changbin looked ready to commit a murder, Jisung was worried beyond belief. In all this, Felix noticed with satisfaction how Chan's eyes were filled with despair. 

“My friend was actually there, he didn’t do anything to help though,” Felix shrugged, making sure to put emphasis on the word _‘friend’_ and pin Chan down with his stare. 

“He is even worse than those people,” Changbin said bitterly, the hate clear in his voice. 

Felix couldn’t contain his laughter this time, a painfully dry laugh. 

“He is but I don’t think he has ever realised it,” Felix confessed, taking advantage of the fact that Chan couldn’t talk back anyways. 

Not that he cared about explaining himself in the first place. 

The conversation finally switched to something lighter but Chan was noticeably quieter than he was before and Felix felt pleasure pull at his guts at the realisation. After years of thinking of Chan as someone who had broken him, Felix finally had the power to show him, piece by piece, all the things he had done to him. The fact that now Felix had the upper hand made it even more satisfying because he could see all sorts of realisation dawn on Chan as if he had somehow forgotten how things used to be when they parted ways for what Felix had hoped was good. 

Felix got distracted by his phone for a minute to send a text to his mother so, when Jisung told him something, he simply hummed even though he had not fully listened to his words. 

“We’re going downstairs to get some drinks. We’ll be back in a minute,” Jisung said before getting up and the noises in the room made Felix understand that they had all probably left while he was busy on his phone. 

When he raised his gaze again, expecting to find the room empty, his eyes met Chan's wide once, just as nervous to be alone with him for the first time as he was. Felix didn’t want to share any word with the older but he still stayed seated there, staring right at him, instead of running away as he had already done once. 

The feeling of being caged when he was together with Chan left to give space to one of pure determination to make him understand that he had nothing on him anymore. When the older broke the silence, Felix was expecting it, having read the intention in his eyes already. 

“You were talking about that day, weren’t you?” Chan asked and Felix couldn’t quite place his tone. It sounded like Chan was both showing guilt and surprise as if he had forgotten about that day long ago. Felix figured he could have tried to forget too if it wasn’t for the scar constantly reminding him of the event. 

“No shit, Sherlock,” Felix snapped but, even like that, it was the first time he had actually acknowledged Chan's words towards him. With a shiver down his spine, Felix realised they had both switched to English, just like they used to do when nothing between them was wrong. 

Felix got up from the bed, sensing Chan's intentions to talk more, just like he had tried that first day they had met in the cafeteria. As much as Felix felt confident and determined, he was nowhere close to being ready to hear what Chan had to say and to bring back all those awful memories. 

Felix walked out of the room to get to Changbin and Jisung in the kitchen but he could still feel Chan doing the same. 

“Felix,” Chan called behind him, trying and failing to make the younger stop and listen to him. “ _Lix_ ,” he called again, this time daring to grip Felix’s wrist in his hand as they reached the stairs leading downstairs. 

Felix felt his blood run cold in his veins at the use of the nickname. 

It was a nickname like any other, just an abbreviation of his full name, but still, it sounded so foreign yet familiar coming from Chan's voice. He used to call him that all the time and Felix used to be so fond of it that no one else was allowed to call him that besides Chan. 

Felix turned around with flames swirling in his eyes. 

“I told you not to touch me,” he warned painfully and slowly, every word holding a threat. “And don't call me that ever again. In fact, don't call me at all,” Felix growled, noticing how nervous Chan looked but had yet to let go of his wrist. 

Felix could actually see on his face how the older was going to ignore his threats completely and beg him to listen. Felix wasn't ready for that, the feeling of Chan's skin touching him starting to burn. 

Luckily enough, Changbin peaked out of the kitchen door, probably drowned but the noise. As he took in the nervous look on Chan's face, the way he was holding Felix’s wrist and his best friend’s tense posture, he didn’t need to think twice before piping in. 

“Hey guys, we’re about to choose a movie, come help us,” Changbin suggested, his voice perfectly hiding the intent behind his words. 

Felix was quick to pull his wrist out of Chan's grip, making sure to send a last furious look to the boy before rushing down the stairs to meet his best friends. Chan was left there, alone at the top of the stairs, wondering how different things could have been if a year before he had been as brave as Felix instead of turning his back on his loved one. 

... 

If Felix could choose, he would have kept avoiding Chan until the older finally gave up but, apparently, Changbin was the one who had other plans. The two of them were out for lunch since both had a short break before having to be back for the afternoon clubs. Jisung had had to decline because he was busy while Chan was, of course, not invited at all. 

“You know, Chan-hyung has been really down lately,” Changbin tried to start, “every time I ask him what's wrong, he just says you keep avoiding him.” 

For a whole second, Felix didn't know what to say. Not because he was particularly surprised by the words but because of the clear scolding in Changbin’s voice as if he was defending Chan. 

“Oh so, he is miserable and I become the bad guy because I don't want to hear what he has to say?” Felix asked sceptically, not understanding what Changbin was trying to suggest. 

“I didn’t mean that. It’s just that it seems unfair to him,” Changbin explained as if he wasn’t just making things worse. 

“Unfair to him? How long have you known him? Three weeks? You don’t know anything, hyung,” Felix snapped, in disbelief that his best friend was really blaming him for something he had clearly asked to be left out of. 

“If you opened up and told us what happened I could have a more unbiased opinion,” Changbin cornered him, his tone getting more defensive, just like Felix’s. 

“Try asking him about it and see if he finally has the guts to tell you anything. I doubt it,” Felix replied, only confusing Changbin more. 

“What do you mean?” the older questioned, his temper cooling down slightly. 

“Look, hyung, if you think I’m being unfair to him, fine, maybe you're right but I have my reasons. The only thing I asked you was not to force me into anything when it comes to him and I feel like that is exactly what you’re trying to do now. So please, let me handle things on my own,” Felix finally acknowledged. 

What Changbin could read in his voice was not the anger he was expecting but instead it was disappointment caused by his best friend blaming him instead of trying to understand how hard it was for him. It broke Changbin’s heart to think of how selfish he had acted, not thinking about Felix’s feelings. 

Changbin would have apologized straight away but their food came and the moment was broken. Still, in the tense silence, it didn’t take long for the older to sigh and bring up the conversation once again. 

“I’m really sorry, Fe,” he started, “I shouldn’t have pushed that much. I guess, I just didn’t realise how serious things actually are.” Felix’s expression softened a little after hearing the anxious tone of Changbin’s voice. 

“It’s okay,” he reassured smiling, “just please let us deal with it, okay? I appreciate that you’re worried but things aren’t always that easy to fix.” 

Changbin nodded at that, finally understanding. 

True to his promise, neither Changbin or Jisung pushed Felix and Chan to talk, leaving the younger free to keep avoiding their hangouts when he knew the older was going to be there too. 

While they never forced Felix into anything, Changbin’s words still lingered in his mind. 

Felix was more mature than he used to be when Chan was a part of his life and avoiding him without giving him a chance to talk was childish and petty. As much as it hurt, he had to recognise the fact that Chan had never given up his effort to try and talk to him even when his attempts had all been failing for the past month. 

Perhaps, Felix could finally put everything aside for a few minutes and listen to Chan's words with the maturity of a boy who could maybe be willing to understand. 

... 

When the bell rang, signalling the end of classes that day, Felix was quick to find Chan in the hallway, the boy organizing his books in his locker. Changbin wasn't with him, probably because they didn’t share that last class and Felix saw it as the perfect opportunity to finally make that weight on his shoulders disappear. He quickly approached Chan, standing still next to the boy, waiting for him to realise he was there. 

When Chan did, in fact, feel someone staring at him, he put his books down and locked eyes with Felix of all people. 

“Felix,” he called surprised, that same tone that both pissed Felix off and broke his heart. 

Every time they saw each other, Chan always had this expression on his face as if he still couldn’t believe that Felix was there in front of him. In his defence, it was truly unusual to have the boy approaching him first when he had run away every time Chan was near. 

“You wanted to talk, right? Let’s talk,” Felix said out of the blue and, even though he tried to be as neutral as possible, his words still sounded more like a threat than a friendly invite. 

Chan was visibly surprised at the suggestion as he tried to remember what he had planned to say. “Not here, though. I don’t want anyone hearing,” Felix quickly stopped him before he could even start. 

With bittersweet realisation, Chan remembered that it used to be him the one who always looked behind their backs, too afraid of people knowing their little secret. For the first time since they had crossed paths again, Chan realised that it wasn’t only Felix’s appearance that had changed and he knew it was partly his fault too. 

Felix led the way outside, walking a few steps in front of Chan but still making sure he was following. The park they were heading to was just in front of the school building, an open space where neither would feel too pressured or tense because of the proximity. When they finally reached the green park, it was mostly empty, students busy eating lunch while parents urged their kids back home. Under the shadow of a tree, Felix finally stopped and turned around, the silent sign that this was where they were going to talk. Since Chan was the one who apparently had so much to say to him, Felix stayed silent, waiting for the boy to begin talking. 

Taking a big breath and wishing for his hands to stop shaking, Chan started. 

“I wanted to apologize for breaking up with you in the way I did and for hurting you,” Chan said shortly, his voice unsure like he too wasn't sure of why he was saying this. 

Felix, on the other hand, felt like laughing. This was it? A whole month of attempts to talk for this? Not much had apparently changed and Felix was torn between wanting to punch Chan straight in the face or turn away and pretend like he didn’t hear anything. 

“That is it? That is all you have to say after what happened?” Felix asked, not believing his ears. He really couldn’t understand Chan, not because he was expecting something different but because his expression was pained as if something was holding him from saying what he truly wanted. 

“Do you really think that the reason why I don’t want you anywhere near me ever again is that you broke up with me? As if I wanted to spend a single second more with you after that day,” Felix continued, more pissed off than he had ever been in his whole life. 

At the words, Chan finally seemed to snap out of whatever thought he was lost in and started to address the real problem. “There was nothing I could have done without risking even more troubles for the both of us,” he defended himself, not as calm as he was before. 

This time, Felix did actually laugh out loud, bitterly and so full of hate. “That has always been the problem, hasn’t it?” he asked rhetorically, “your reputation has always come before anything else, including me. They could have killed me for all you cared and you would still have watched without doing anything, so not to _risk_ anything.” If words were blades, then Chan would have had hundreds of cuts on his skin by the time Felix finished. 

After a year of keeping everything in, pretending like that part of his life had never existed, Felix felt like he was about to explode now. Had Chan actually never realised how he had broken him? Was he so selfish to still claim that rumours were more important than what they had? 

Apparently, Felix words hit a sore spot for Chan too as his hands started to shake again. “How can you say that? I loved you,” Chan yelled, just as angry as Felix was. 

“You have never loved me, you convinced yourself of that because it was easier that way. If you really loved me you would have defended me, done something to help, been by my fucking side. You never cared and you still pretend like you did, even now.” Felix by now was yelling, their conversation ringing loudly in the air. Little by little, all those insecurities Felix had tried so hard to hide were coming up just because Chan had decided to be a part of his life again. 

“I was just scared,” Chan confessed, his voice a stark contrast to Felix’s. It pained Chan to admit that, to hear Felix questioning what they had, to feel like his love had never been understood. 

“And don’t you think I was too? Do you even know how hard it has become for me to feel like I can trust someone after I saw my own fucking boyfriend watch as homophobic assholes beat me up, leaving me there just as they did?” he continued, both because Chan needed to know and because, even if he wanted, he couldn't stop the words from breaking free. 

“One year, Chan, a whole year of radio silence and now you show up, asking me to listen to you when you still don’t even understand what you have really done,” Felix finished, so spent that he felt like crying his eyes out. 

No matter what, he couldn't deny that a small part of himself had hoped for this conversation to go in another way, for Chan to have truly matured and finally understood how Felix was forced to change because of his actions. Instead, Chan was always the same scared Chan, too afraid to tell the truth even if that meant losing the people he claimed to love. 

And he had lost Felix a long time ago, he understood that now. 

“You have never called me _Chan,_ not even once in the past,” he pointed out bitterly not even sure why his attention had focused on that little detail. Just as for him Felix had always been _Lix_ , for the younger he had always been _Chris_ , the name more comfortable, bringing back a piece of home every time. 

“I used to call you _Chris_ because I thought I knew you. You’re nothing more than a stranger to me now,” Felix answered right away, his words cutting deeply in both of their hearts. 

The truth was now out there, right in the open for everyone to see. 

_I thought I knew you._

“If you want to hang out with Jisung and Changbin-hyung, go ahead. But don’t pretend to care about me, you didn’t once and you still don’t now. So, let’s just move on and live our lives separately as it should have always been,” Felix said with finality, too tired to even care of the way his sight was blurry because of tears and the way Chan seemed like he wanted to yell from frustration. 

With that being said, Felix quickly walked away leaving Chan behind, hoping that this time his past could finally stop hunting him. 

... 

That was the case for a few more days, Chan leaving him alone and his best friends not bringing up why he looked on edge all of the time now. As much as he had tried for a long time to move on from Chan completely, he would always be his first love and he still couldn’t help feeling doubtful because many things were left unsaid between them. 

That day, when those boys had corner Felix outside of school, he was actually headed to Chan's, their date already planned for days. Their relationship had never been easy since Chan was still too scared to come out as gay while Felix already was. That meant that the world saw them as nothing more than best friends and, while Felix was the target for teasing and bullying, Chan was way too popular for people to mess with him. 

It wasn't ideal but they had each other and that was all that mattered. 

Until that infamous day when Chan, afraid of people thinking he cared for Felix more than society thought was appropriate, had done nothing while those guys were hurting his boyfriend just because he was not ashamed of showing who he truly was. That was the day when Felix understood that all the things he believed in were lies and it almost broke him entirely. 

If Chan loved him, how could he just stand there and watch? If being out of the closet was really something he should be admired for, why was it causing him so many problems? And, above all, if he couldn't even trust his own boyfriend to have his back, who could he trust? 

To this day Felix still didn’t know what Chan had been thinking during those awful minutes. 

The day after, Chan had been quick to break up with him, saying that things just weren't working out anymore. Not that Felix wouldn’t have done that himself but, with Chan never explaining himself, a year later Felix was still sure that the decision to put space between them was nothing but a selfish act from Chan, too afraid of the same thing happening to him too. 

The Felix of the present was a result of the heartbreak of that time. 

The proudness and confidence of being out disappeared in a heartbeat and the easiness with which he trusted people too. Because of Chan, not even Jisung and Changbin knew he wasn’t straight because Felix was too scared and couldn’t handle losing them too. That was also the reason why, as much as he had loved Chan incredibly much, he had never mentioned him, not even giving his mum any explanation when Chan suddenly disappeared from his life. 

Things after those events weren’t easy but they were manageable and, day after day, Felix started to forget all the bullshit Chan had tried to tell him about how much he cared and loved him. 

That is why, when on a Saturday morning present-Felix heard the doorbell ring and his mum yell for him to come downstairs, what he saw made his blood freeze. Chan was standing at the door, looking incredibly nervous but still smiling warmly at Felix’s mum. When the woman hugged him tightly, Felix had to look away because the familiar sight made his stomach turn. 

“Chris, it has been so long,” Felix’s mum exclaimed, way more excited to have him there than Felix was. “Felix, you didn't tell me you two are hanging out again,” the woman addressed her son, not understanding how painful those words were for him. 

Just as no one knew about the true nature of their relationship, neither did Felix’s mum. When Chan had disappeared from his life, Felix had not given her a proper explanation but, instead, had just told her that they lost contact because they didn’t attend the same school anymore. 

“I must have forgotten,” Felix told his mum, the lie covered by his usual sweet voice until he turned to Chan, “what are you doing here?”. 

His question was meant to sound casual since his mum was there, but Chan could still clearly hear the edge in his voice. He knew that by going there he was risking upsetting Felix even more, but there was something Felix had said that just didn’t sit right with Chan and had been eating him up ever since they had last talked. Now, he just couldn't let it go anymore. 

“I needed to talk to you about something real quick,” Chan explained himself with urgency in his voice, trying to make sure Felix understood how important it was. 

As much as Felix wanted to shut the door in his face and go back to pretending as if the last month had never happened, he couldn’t do that without his mum asking questions he couldn’t give an answer to. 

Felix sighed softly, giving in. “We’ll be upstairs.” 

The last time Chan had been in Felix’s house was when things between them were the exact opposite of how they were now. Even after a whole year, not much had changed and Chan still felt the same feeling of familiarity even though he didn’t have the right to anymore. 

Felix’s room was exactly like he remembered it but there was one thing he noticed right away. 

Once, Felix used to have a framed picture of the two of them on his nightstand, nothing too bold so his mum had never questioned their relationship but, for them, it was still something quite meaningful. Chan didn’t expect to still find it there anyways but, the fact that it was nowhere to be seen and, instead, a picture of Felix, Changbin and Jisung was at its place, made him realise how many things had actually changed since the last time he had been there. 

“Are you crazy? Do you know how many questions my mum will ask later?” Felix snapped as soon as the door behind them was closed and he was sure his mum couldn’t hear anything. 

“I'm sorry but I really needed to talk to you and you would have never listened to me otherwise,” Chan tried to defend himself, knowing that showing up out of the blue wasn’t a great start but, if it was the only way to talk to Felix then so be it. 

“What do you want?” Felix gave up, sitting down on his bed while Chan was still standing in the middle of the room. 

As much as Felix didn’t want to listen or talk to Chan anymore, he knew there was no way to make him leave now if not by dragging him out himself and that would make his mum too suspicious. 

“What I said the other day was stupid and it wasn’t the real reason why I wanted to apologize. You agreed on talking to me so out of the blue and I panicked and made thing even worse than they already were,” Chan began, now sounding indeed more sure than he did in the park. 

Felix let him talk, not feeling like cutting him off now that they were finally going somewhere. 

“I was selfish and an asshole and probably don’t even deserve the chance to explain my reasons to you, but you were right. That day, when those guys cornered you, I wanted to do something but everything was moving so fast and, to this day, I still beat myself up for thinking about myself before I thought about you. You know my parents, Felix, they were already unhappy with me, a single rumour about me being gay and they would have had the perfect reason to kick me out. Before I could even understand what was happening, you were already lying there, beaten up and I had done nothing to stop them,” Chan finally explained everything that had gone through his head all that time ago. 

“I don’t understand what you are trying to say. You’re basically telling me I was right about everything I thought,” Felix pointed out, once again not fully understanding the weird way Chan had to apologize and explain himself. 

“You were right on mostly everything. I was worse than they were and you deserved so much better,” Chan agreed, frozen in the middle of the room. However, Chan knew that the thing he had still left unsaid was the one who could upset Felix the most. “But you were absolutely wrong in thinking that I didn’t love you or care for you. I still do,” he finally confessed, little by little making Felix understand why he was trying so hard in the first place. “You were the only one keeping me sane with my parents being as shitty as they were. I loved you with every single atom of my body and, if you really think there was even a single moment during our relationship when my feelings weren’t true, then you must be really oblivious, Lee Felix.” 

Felix was left completely speechless, not only because of the confession but because of the emotion on both Chan's face and in his voice. As crazy as it was, his words sounded so sure that for a whole second Felix really thought he had got it wrong all along, believing him. 

Then, he came to his senses and thought twice about what he had just heard. 

“Then, why not saying this a year ago? Why breaking up with me and showing up months later saying that you still care?” Felix pressed further, determined to finally get all the answers he was craving for. 

Chan chuckled bitterly, “when I say I was scared, I don’t mean it was only for me. I really thought you were going to be safer if I stayed away and no one could use us against you.” 

Felix blinked once, twice and then buried his head in his hands, groaning loudly. 

Was that really the truth? 

“For God’s sake, you’re such an idiot,” he exclaimed, no softness in his words, only annoyance. “Do you know why I could handle all the insults and the bullying? Because I knew that, at the end of the day, I still had you, someone who loved me no matter what. You told me that nothing could ever come between us and I fucking believed you. I didn’t care about them, hell, I didn’t even care about those people beating me up, but then you left me thinking everything we had was a lie for a whole fucking year. How could you think that it would make me safer?” Felix finally let all out, feeling the weight on his chest getting lighter and lighter. 

For the first time in months, Felix finally had all the answers he was looking for and, as much as it still hurt, he could finally react properly to Chan's choices without having to make hypotheses on what had happened. 

“I'm sorry, Felix, I really am. I was a fool and I didn’t think of how it could have affected you in the future. I didn't mean for any of this to happen, not then and not now,” Chan finished, his voice so full of sadness and heartbreak that Felix couldn't find it in himself to doubt his words. 

Now, Felix needed time to think, to understand how to handle having Chan back in his life knowing the real reasons behind his past actions. Of course, he couldn’t just forgive him so easily and so quickly, but it was also hard to stay mad at him now that he was aware that Chan honestly thought he was doing that to protect him. 

Felix’s mum chose that moment to knock on the door, saving Felix from giving an answer straight away. 

“Boys, I'm about to make lunch. Chris, you’re free to stay,” the woman cheerfully suggested, once again not fully understanding what her words meant for the two boys. 

And Felix could see it in Chan, the desire to say yes, to feel like things could really fall back to that old routine. At the same time, however, he could still read the doubt in his eyes, the fear of overstepping the delicate boundaries they had just set. Felix figured that it must have taken a lot of will power for Chan to show up at his house so out of the blue, eager to talk to a boy that hadn’t shown him much understanding in the past month. 

Sighing internally, Felix figured that he could, for once, be the one who took a step towards the other. 

“You can if you want,” he simply said, the permission sounding clear to Chan's ears. 

Felix saw the sparkle in the boy’s eyes as a huge grin spread on his lips. 

“I will gladly stay then. Thank you, Ms Lee,” he politely accepted, feeling over the moon at the small steps he and Felix were making to make things at least civil between them. 

As he watched Chan and his mum talk and laugh over a homemade lunch, as if it was something they still did every day, Felix realised that his past couldn’t be forgotten as easily as he had hoped for. 

But for the first time in a long, long while, he figured that he could work with it. 

...

Luckily enough, things between Felix and Chan really started to slot into place. 

As much as it scared Felix to admit it, it was almost too natural for them to fall into a sort of routine again where they talked and laughed together as old friends would. Felix still had to think properly about everything that Chan had told him, but he couldn’t hide the fact that he felt way less angry every time he saw the elder's face now. 

Changbin and Jisung didn't question why Felix and Chan were suddenly seen walking to class together more often than not and willingly started conversations with one another, sometimes even cutting the other two out of it completely. Nevertheless, they were both happy that things had apparently worked out for the best and that both Chan and Felix looked more comfortable with each other. 

Changbin and Jisung were still curious about how tragic what had happened between them in the past was to make the last month so hard on them, but they figured that, with time passing by and the two getting closer again, they would someday feel comfortable enough with sharing. Felix was glad his friends didn't try to pry but, at the same time, he knew it was also because their attention was focused on something that made Felix’s mood drop entirely. 

It was prom season. 

Now, Felix loved dancing and hanging out with his friends, but the huge deal about prom was the person you took there with you. The idea of going there alone sounded way more appealing to Felix than having to bring a girl just to make people shut up. His friends knew that he didn’t particularly like prom but they still couldn’t figure out the true reason behind it. 

Now that he was back in his life, Chan was the only one who could better understand his dislike for prom and, every time the topic was brought up in a conversation, a weird tension settled between them. After all, Felix wasn’t as oblivious as he seemed and something in what Chan had told him that day at his house still bothered him. 

Chan had told him that he still cared about him, that his feelings were always there and Felix didn’t exactly know what to do with the information. He would be lying if he said that he had never thought of the possibility of things between them going back to how they truly were once, the memories of that warmth and love they shared too fresh to make Felix confidently say that he would never get back with Chan, even after how much he had hurt him. 

On the other hand, Chan was bolder when it came to that, making clear since the start that his feelings were still there, even stronger than they used to be after a year of being apart. Chan had let him understand that, if Felix was willing to take him back, he would become a better person for both of them. 

While exciting conversations rang loudly in the air, as Felix, Chan, Jisung and Changbin walked down the hallways, Felix didn’t fail to share again his feelings about prom. “I really don’t understand why there's so much hype for prom.” 

The slogans covered every single centimetre of the walls and the prom committee was stressing out over organizing even the smallest of details. Every two steps they took, there was someone in the middle of the hallway asking their partners to be their dates, cheesy confessions and even cheesier bouquets of flowers and boxes of chocolates shared between shy students. 

“That’s just because you’re bitter no one wants to go with you,” Changbin teased, discreetly trying to pry the real answer out of Felix. 

“I have you guys to go with, you’re just as lonely as I am,” he shot back straight away, smiling to Changbin who was smiling right back at him, the teasing coming easily between them. 

With Felix being such a shy and introverted boy around people he didn’t know, no one had really shown any interest in knowing him better outside of school settings. That, at least, meant that he didn’t have to go through the awkwardness of having to reject someone’s invite for no apparent reason. 

As if the universe wanted to punish Felix for taking his guard down, Yeji, a girl who was in the same dance club as him, approached them with tentative steps. “Hey, Felix,” she greeted, her blush so bright on her cheeks that it made Felix slightly concerned. 

His friends went silent as the girl stumbled over her words, “I was wondering if you have a date for prom already.” As the words left her mouth, Felix started to understand why she was so nervous and realised where this was going. 

He felt dread overtake him. 

Yeji was an incredibly sweet and beautiful girl and anyone would be lucky to be able to take her to prom but, in Felix’s place, he couldn't feel more miserable. He certainly couldn’t lie to her, or his friends would have asked too many questions he still couldn’t give an answer to. Besides that, rumours would have certainly spread amongst student if he turned Yeji down and then showed up alone to prom. 

“No, I haven't,” he answered her as politely as possible, but still tried to fight against the instinct of running away before hearing the question he was sure Yeji was about to ask. 

“Since that is the case, do you want to come to prom with me?” Yeji hesitantly asked, her usual confidence replaced by nerves. From the corner of his eye, Felix could see her friends holding their breaths just like Yeji was. 

Felix took a second to think about the answer as his eyes shifted to glance at his side were his own friends were waiting for him to finally answer. For a brief moment, Felix blocked out everyone that wasn’t Chan, the expression on his face was both confused and pained as if he understood exactly what was about to happen. And he probably did. 

Felix tried to put on the best, blinding smile he could, even though inside he felt like crying, “I would love to.” 

The words could actually sound sincere if you didn’t focus on how the smile on his lips didn’t reach his eyes at all. In front of him, Yeji looked like she was about to burst with happiness, a stark contrast to how Felix was truly feeling. 

“Great, amazing! Then, I’ll see you at practice later,” Yeji said before giving all of them a last satisfied smile and joining her friends who cheered loudly for them. 

Felix felt self-conscious at the sudden attention he was receiving, all the students in the hallway curiously watching the scene in front of them. Felix turned to look at his friends who had smirks on their faces, ready to tease him for what had just happened. Chan, on the other hand, tried not to show on his face an emotion which Felix realised was similar to the one he was feeling. 

It was then that he realised that Chan was hurting just as much as he was for the situation they were forced to live, the secret about themselves they couldn’t risk revealing. It was too much for Felix to take in all at once, so he pretended not to notice anything and, instead, covered his disappointment with the happiness he seemed to always carry. 

“Who’s the one who’s bitter of going to prom alone now?” Felix asked Changbin, referring to what they were talking about before the interruption. 

As his friends started to ask questions about Yeji and how they didn’t know that he was interested in her at all, Felix realised how wrong everything felt. With a short, perhaps too snappy answer, he made his way down the hallway towards his locker, leaving his friends behind slightly confused but too oblivious to know how upset he really was. 

It didn’t take long for Chan to follow him, the only one who had an excuse to do that since his locker wasn’t that far away from Felix’s own. Changbin and Jisung had turned the other way to go to their own classes on the other side of the building, while Felix was trying not to think about what had just happened. He wasn’t in the mood to talk about it and he knew that Chan would ask too many questions. 

“Are you okay?” was the first thing Chan wanted to know while Felix was silently taking out his biology books from his locker. Chan sounded awfully concerned, for more than one reason that Felix could fully grasp. 

“I’ll live,” Felix said shortly, far too overwhelmed to talk about the matter with Chan of all people and in the middle of the hallway still packed with students. 

Chan sighed, he had expected Felix to close up, to put walls between them but he still felt like he couldn’t just turn his back on him and leave him alone to deal with his problems. 

“Why did you accept?” the older asked. The answer appeared so clear to Felix that he didn’t even try to be less snappy while replying. 

“Find me a boy who is willing to come out just to take me to prom and I will change my mind,” Felix said, considerably less loud so people wouldn’t hear. 

As much as the words weren’t meant to tell more than the simple truth, Chan couldn’t help thinking that they were somehow directed at him, something Felix had long tried to say, even when they were still together. 

Chan couldn’t find anything to say to that and, apparently, Felix didn’t want to add more either. As the bell rang, they parted ways silently, the realisation that things weren’t better than they were a year before weighing on their shoulders. 

That day, his lessons seemed longer than they had ever been and all he wanted to do was go home and finally be alone in his own room, without people constantly all around him. Unfortunately, he still had dance practice that afternoon and the thought was even worse knowing that Yeji was going to be there. He really liked her as a person and he loved to spend time with her during practice but, exactly for that reason, he felt awful at the idea of leading her on when he would never feel the same way as she apparently did. 

When he had to stay after school, he usually ate lunch at the cafeteria with Changbin and Chan who were also busy in the afternoon with various activities. For the first time in a long while, Felix was actually scared of eating with them, knowing that prom would be the main topic of their conversations until the event was finally over in a couple of days. 

His nervousness increased, even more, when he was the last one to join at the table and he started to listen to the conversation that was already going on between his two friends. Even before he could understand what they were talking about, Felix couldn’t help noticing how tense Chan looked but still tried to act natural. He wondered if anyone noticed that too but he certainly did and the realisation made him both curious and nervous to know what was going on. 

“I just don’t understand why a boy would want to bring another boy to prom,” Changbin said, the discussion apparently too heated for them to even acknowledge Felix’s presence. 

And god, did Felix want to run away from that particular topic. 

Felix didn’t know how they had even got there and how Chan could handle it, but he honestly didn’t even want to know in the first place. For the second time in less than five minutes, he hoped to be home as soon as possible. 

Chan tensed up even more if that was possible, but kept going. “Do you think two boys who are dating should just keep their relationship a secret?” The older asked, his voice sounding too casual to actually be natural. Maybe it was because Felix knew him more than Changbin did, but the undertone of his voice was so obvious that he wondered how the other boy didn’t pick that up. 

Instead, Changbin shrugged his shoulders, not realising what was happening in front of him. He probably thought they were just having a normal conversation, sharing their own opinions on a matter that didn’t touch them in any way. But he was wrong and he couldn’t know how his words were affecting the boys in front of him. 

“So, if one of your friends was not straight, you would want them to never come out to you?” Chan figured, phrasing it more like a statement than anything else. 

The question was too delicate for Felix to handle the response, he didn’t want to know what Changbin thought of that because he was aware of how much it would hurt if the boy said that, no, he wouldn’t accept one of his friends being gay. 

And he couldn’t blame him, he really couldn’t. 

Korea was nowhere as open as Australia was when it came to sexuality and gender identities and Changbin had grown up following what society had taught him. Being anything other than straight was abnormal and those who were not should never be accepted. 

“Chris, that’s enough,” Felix quietly stopped him, the finality in his tone was so clear that it didn’t leave space for any kind of reply. 

Maybe it was the fact that Felix had been silent until that moment, quietly listening instead of joining, or maybe it was the sudden use of that name that brought them back in time, but Chan shut up immediately. Felix didn’t know if he had even fully realised what he had asked Changbin or if the adrenaline of the conversation had just made him blurt out the question without thinking, but he understood now how risky that was, how Felix didn’t want to be anywhere near when a response would be given. 

Felix didn’t know if Changbin didn’t have an answer yet or simply decided not to say anything, but he didn’t finish their conversation, letting it drop instead. 

Lunch was quieter than it usually was, Felix overwhelmed by the events of the day, Chan still mulling over his last conversation with Changbin and the latter not really knowing what to say now that the boys in front of him looked so out of it. 

When the time to go to practice came, Felix was more relieved than he had ever been, the thought of having to pretend happiness in front of Yeji more appealing than the suffocation he kept feeling that day every time he looked to his friends’ eyes. 

... 

Prom day came faster than what Felix had hoped for. 

Changbin seemed to have forgotten about his conversation with Chan and the older was trying his best not to do anything stupid, knowing how it would affect Felix. On the other hand, the younger had decided to put aside his worries and think of prom as a chance to have fun with his friends, even though he was aware of how Yeji thought of it as a romantic date. 

However, with that in mind, he could at least cheer up a bit, making it easier for his friends to not ask too many questions about his sudden mood changes. Chan saw it too and, as much as it hurt to know that Felix had to go through that without even being able to talk about it with his friends, he was relieved that the younger was at least a bit less concerned. 

That evening, Felix borrowed his mum’s car to pick up Yeji from her house. She was wearing a beautiful baby blue dress, her hair tied up in a tight braid while her makeup made her eyes shine more than they usually did. She was gorgeous and Felix felt lucky he could call her his date, even if not romantically. 

In the car, the conversation between them felt natural and Felix knew that, as long as the atmosphere between them stayed the same, they would both have a great night. As they reached the venue, which was nothing more than the huge gym their school had, they made their way inside, ready to enjoy the event at its fullest. 

It didn’t take long for his friends to come to greet them, Chan apparently having driven all of them there. Changbin and Jisung made some small talk with Yeji, the girl happily sharing information about herself while Felix could feel Chan's eyes directed at him. When he turned his head to look at him, he was left almost breathless. Chan had this spark in his eyes as if he was looking at the most mesmerising thing in the whole wide world while looking at him. 

He felt the blush rise to his cheeks, his body betraying him. After everything, Chan had still the power to make him blush with a single look and, as incoherent as it may sound, Felix missed the feeling. He was reminded of the girl wrapped around his arm when she asked him to come with her to greet her own friends, excited to be introduced to their friend’s crush. 

The night didn’t go even half as bad as Felix had predicted and, instead, he had a lot of fun dancing with Yeji and talking to her friends. She even let him some time to join Changbin, Jisung and Chan while she talked to the girls. 

He had to admit that it felt weird to be at prom with Chan but not _with_ him. It had happened once already, in the year they were together, that prom was organized but they couldn’t be each other’s date just as they weren’t now. However, at that time, Felix didn’t have friends to hang out with so he had opted to not go at all. 

Now they were there, together but not together, with feelings still lingering but not spoken. He could feel Chan's eyes on him every time he was with Yeji on the dance floor, his lips turning up every time he heard the younger’s laugh echoing in the room. 

Felix should have known that lowering his guard meant leaving himself vulnerable and what happened because of that made his whole night do a one-eighty. 

Towards the end of the night, the songs started to become slower, couples slow dancing in the middle of the room. Mastering the courage, Yeji had asked him if he wanted to dance too and, as much as Felix didn’t particularly like the idea, he agreed anyway, feeling like Yeji didn't deserve a rejection. 

The atmosphere in the whole venue had changed and, the fact that people all around them were looking at each other with loving eyes made Felix gulp heavily. However, he figured that the music would turn upbeat soon enough and a single slow dance, as romantic as that was, couldn’t do much of a damage. 

Once again, he should have known better, in fact, things changed in a matter of seconds. 

As they slow danced in circles, Yeji’s arms were wrapped around his neck and her hands joined behind it while his own arms were around her slim waist. When their eyes met, Felix smiled at her, not really knowing what else to do, but her face stayed serious as if she was lost in her thoughts. 

Felix realised what was about to happen before it even did. 

Yeji’s eyes shifted for the briefest of moments to his lips and that was when Felix felt his heart drop in his stomach. He had tried to keep the date as friendly as he could, but Yeji was leaning in now, and he didn’t know what to do. 

Before he could think about stepping back or do anything at all, her lips were on his. 

No matter how much he tried, he couldn’t help but let his mind wander. Her lips weren’t as chapped as Chan's used to be, her hold felt less secure and her body wasn’t as familiar against his own as Chan's had been. As their lips moved together, Felix’s brain went into overdrive at the realisation that he would have done anything for those lips to belong to Chan, not to Yeji. 

Felix wanted to kiss Chan perhaps since the day they had met each other again over two months ago. He felt disgusting knowing he was kissing Yeji while his heart still belonged to someone else, someone who should have been gone from his life a long time ago. 

The kiss they shared ended as the slow song faded into a more upbeat one and Yeji had a big, bright smile on her lips, feeling over the moon for what had just happened. Felix returned the smile, not because he felt happy at all but because he knew that either he pretend for a few hours more or he would burst out crying right then and there. 

Luckily, Yeji’s friends took her away a minute later, probably excited to ask her how she was feeling and how it had been. Felix couldn’t handle going back to his friends then, well aware that they saw them kissing too, which would lead to infinite teasing and questions he really didn’t feel like answering then. Above all, he couldn’t handle looking Chan in the eyes after everything that had suddenly slotted into place in his mind just a minute before, not yet at least. 

Felix took advantage of being alone to move towards the entrance, a breath of fresh air sounding like heaven. The park right in front of the building turned out to be extremely useful as he closed the door behind him and made his way to one of the benches in the dark park. Even there, the music blasting in the gym rang faintly in the air and he was glad there was at least something distracting him from his thoughts. 

Even with his head in his hands, as his elbows rested on his knees, Felix could feel the presence taking slow steps towards him. He had a feeling of who that might be and, as they set on the bench next to him, the smell of his familiar cologne giving it away. 

“Are you okay?” Chan asked, his voice nothing more than a soft whisper not to startle the boy. 

Felix had many answers to that question. No, he wasn’t okay. He was confused, angry, disappointed and still so in love with the boy who was now next to him. 

Felix shook his head. “The last time I kissed a girl was when I thought I had to. It felt wrong then just as it still does now.” Felix didn’t even care that he had switched to English, just as they used to do years before, the situation too overwhelming to care about such a meaningless detail. 

Chan stayed silent, assimilating his words as if they were his own thoughts. 

Felix felt his heart drop for the second time that day when he felt Chan get up, sure that the boy was about to leave him alone to sort his problems out on his own. 

He couldn’t blame him if he did. 

When he didn’t hear footsteps getting far, he lifted his head to understand what Chan was doing and what he saw made his heart skip a beat. Chan was standing in front of him, a hand extended towards him and an incredibly soft smile on his lips. 

“What are you doing?” Felix asked hesitantly, his cheeks lighting up but, luckily, it was too dark to notice. Chan's smile only got softer at the hesitance in his voice. 

“You said you would change your mind if a boy came out just to take you to prom. I’m not coming out to them and maybe it’s a bit late, but I’m asking you to prom now,” Chan said, probably not realising how his words were making Felix’s heart beat out of his ribcage. 

Felix was weak, particularly so now that his heart had apparently made itself pretty clear. There Chan was, saying all those small things that Felix had longed to hear from him and, no matter what, he was still too much of a fool for him, even after everything. 

Chan's smile shined even brighter when Felix took his hand and they were face to face, Felix’s own shy grin across his lips. The actions came almost too familiar to them, Chan's arms going straight around Felix’s waist as Felix’s circled his neck in the same way Yeji’s did with him just a couple minutes earlier. Chan's smile didn’t falter for even a second, even when Felix felt too shy to look at his eyes. 

The music they were dancing to was probably the worst they could have picked to slow dance to but neither of them cared at all. They were together after a year apart and, by the way he could feel Chan's heart going crazy in his chest, he understood that the moment was important for him just as much as it was for Felix. 

However nice that was, after he had finally come to terms with his true feelings, Felix needed answers. 

“Why are you doing all of this?” he asked, his head resting on Chan's shoulder so that he had a reason not to look at him in the eyes. However, he underestimated the way his pulse skyrocketed at the closeness of their bodies, at the way they still fitted perfectly. 

Chan chuckled but tightened his hold around Felix’s waist, not believing the situation himself. “I told you already, my feelings are just the same as they were one year ago.” 

The whisper revealed a whole new path for them that Felix didn’t think could have existed again. Chan had still feelings for him, Felix too, and there they were finally addressing it. 

“And why do you think I’m okay with that?” Felix murmured in Chan's shoulder, the warmth of his body making it difficult for him to pull back. Felix was, in fact, extremely okay with that but he was still surprised at the way Chan sounded so sure of his reaction when he had not been the nicest to him in the past two months they spent together. 

This time Chan's chuckle turned into a full-blown laugh. “You’re here, slow dancing with me, listening to me when you could have walked away a long time ago. I don’t think you’re _that_ against it,” he pointed out, the teasing clear in his voice but still sounding so, so fond. 

And how could Felix deny that, when it was clear that he could have put a stop to it all a long time ago? 

Felix lifted his head from Chan's shoulder and looked at him for the first time that night, his eyes were serious but that special sparkle had never left them. Felix’s smiled when he recognized it as hope. 

“You’re awfully cocky,” he pointed out but he still didn’t deny Chan's assumption. The older soon caught up to it and his smile turned even softer than it was before. 

“One date,” Chan suggested seriously, “let me take you out on one single date. If after that you still think this can’t work, I’ll leave you alone.” 

Once again, Felix was hit with how much Chan actually cared. He wasn’t imposing anything, he wasn’t even straight up asking him out, he was simply clearing the air and making sure that Felix knew that he was still fighting to make them work. 

Felix’s reaction said more than words could, his smile blossoming naturally as his eyes turned into crescents. “How can you be so sure that a single date will change my mind?” he asked instead, not even realising how his hands were playing with the curls at the base of Chan's neck. 

Chan's smile turned into a mischievous smirk and, god, did Felix miss him so much. 

“I made you fall for me once already, Lee Felix. I’m pretty confident in saying I think I still know how to do that,” he answered, not missing a beat, the teasing coming so easy as if no time had passed at all. 

Felix’s leaned his forehead on Chan's shoulder again to hide the smile glued to his lips. If he could make all the doubts in his mind shut up, then he wouldn’t even need a date to be convinced. But if they really wanted this, both of them, there was still so much they had to work on but it was nice to know that Chan had really changed. 

At this point, they were hugging more than slow dancing but neither of them had anything against it. “One date,” Felix whispered, agreeing with Chan's idea. 

When they made their way back to the gym, not even the prospect of having to explain himself to Yeji could erase the feeling of Chan's body pressed against his own. 

... 

Unsurprisingly, Chan wanted to be the one organizing the whole date. 

He insisted to keep everything secret from Felix, so the only thing the younger knew was that Chan was going to pick him up from his house, at three in the afternoon and take them to the special place he had chosen for their date. 

Even though it was definitely not the first time they went on a date, Felix couldn’t help feeling nervous. It took him hours to get ready, picking his clothes carefully, with butterflies fluttering in his stomach the entire time. He knew it was dumb to feel so nervous, but a part of him was still scared Chan was going to realise that he wasn’t the same person he used to know and decided that he didn’t want to be with him anymore. 

It took him a while, but then Felix came to terms with the fact that it was Chan they were talking about. The guy who had done everything he could to make Felix talk to him again, the guy who had seemed over the moon at the mere promise of a single date. Felix had nothing to worry about, it was Chan and he knew him more than anyone else did. 

That afternoon, Chan was perfectly on time and, not even five minutes later than three, he was in front of Felix’s house, sending him a quick text to let him know he was waiting outside. Felix didn’t tell his mother he was going on a date for obvious reasons, but he made it clear that he was going out and wasn’t sure at what time he was coming back home. Fortunately, his mum trusted him enough to be fine with it. 

When he finally joined Chan outside, Felix was sure his heart could not beat any faster. 

Chan was leaning on the hood of the car, looking like a character straight from any teen drama. He was wearing all black, something that didn't surprise Felix at all, but he looked handsome nevertheless. The skinny jeans hugged his legs perfectly and the jacket he had on was the one piece of clothing Felix remembered teasing him for because it seemed like he couldn’t live without wearing it every time he could. 

Felix would have felt self-conscious to be face to face with Chan if he hadn't noticed the older’s reaction as soon as he stepped closer to him. Felix too had put great care in his outfit, deciding for black jeans much similar to Chan's, but a baby pink shirt was tucked in them with a belt hugging his hips tightly. If the way Chan's eyes widened as his eyes took in the sight was anything to go by, then Felix was pretty sure they both felt the same way. 

Keeping up with his gentlemen act, Chan opened the car door for Felix, letting the younger get in before gently closing it behind him and moving on the other side of the car to get into the driver seat. 

Silently, the engine came to life and the car started moving forward. 

“So, where are we going?” Felix tried once again to get something more from Chan but with no luck. 

“You will find out soon enough,” Chan chuckled, having a lot of fun with the fact that he had the upper hand for once. Felix had asked so much about this date with almost no answer, that Chan knew how impatient he was to have some more information. 

If it had been anyone else, Felix would have been worried about being surprised, however with Chan he couldn’t find it in himself. Chan knew him and he knew what the younger liked and disliked, he would have never organised something he knew Felix didn’t like. The thought made Felix finally relax his muscles and enjoy the ride. 

The trip was longer than he had expected and, even though they didn’t talk, the radio filled the silence with soft music. Felix was sure he would melt when Chan's voice joined the ones of the singers ringing from the radio, his voice sounding as angelic as he remembered. Surprised, Felix looked outside of the window as the landscape switched from the skyscrapers in the centre of Seoul to green grass the further away they went. 

When Chan finally parked the car, Felix felt his breath being knocked out of his lungs. They were on a hill just a couple of minutes away from the busy city, with green trees and colourful flowers surrounding them. Apparently, it wasn’t even the best part yet because Chan didn’t hesitate to open Felix’s door for him once again and gently urge him to follow him to an almost invisible path between the trees. 

Felix didn’t put resistance, instead, let Chan drag him to their destination by their intertwined fingers. Felix pretended not to feel flustered at the weight of Chan's hand in his again, the gesture coming so familiar and natural even after all this time. 

Chan finally slowed down and Felix was sure he really couldn’t breathe for a few seconds this time. If before all around them were only trees and nature, now in front of them the wood opened to the sight of the busy city under them. Seoul, seen from up there, looked like a heart pumping blood through the limbs of a body, every street they could see somehow moving. People walking, car zooming past them and children chasing each other in the playgrounds. It was unbelievable how such a magical place could be so close to the same city moving right in front of their eyes. 

“How did you find this place?” Felix asked breathlessly, finding it impossible to tear his eyes away from the beautiful sight in front of him. 

Chan chuckled, clearly happy that Felix liked the place as well. “One day, I didn’t really feel like going home quite yet and I started driving around. Before I realised it, I had driven up here and found this place,” he explained, “I come up here when I want to get away from the city.” 

Felix turned to smile at Chan, realising that Chan had just shared with him the place he usually went to, to be alone. Felix felt silly at having been nervous of this day, he had never been so relaxed with someone in his entire life. 

“Come, I’ve prepared something,” Chan said and, once again, pulled at their intertwined hands. 

There, a few meters away from the downhill, laid a blanket, a few table games and a bag Felix was pretty sure had snacks in it. For the second time that day, he felt breathless. Chan had clearly put a lot of effort into the date, knowing he had promised to leave him alone if things didn’t work out. 

“I set everything before picking you up and, I must admit, I'm pretty relieved nobody touched anything,” Chan chuckled embarrassedly as his hand rubbed his already red ear. Still, Felix was pretty sure it was just an attempt to make his attention shift away from him. 

Felix found it hard to believe someone could ruin what Chan had prepared seen as the place was completely empty besides them. A part of him thought back to when they felt like they could only have dates in private places not to be found out, but he realised how different it was this time. This time, it was not Chan's attempt to keep things hidden, this time it was him sharing a part of himself to Felix. Besides that, Felix felt like the prospect of being just the two of them in a place away from everybody else was much more meaningful this time. 

Before Felix had the time to point that out to Chan, the older was already dragging him to the blanket, letting his hand go when they set down. The distance between them was something Felix wasn’t a great fan of, but he figured that they had the whole day to do more than sit across from each other. 

Felix’s eyes couldn't look away from the city opening in front of them but, from the corner of his eye, he could see Chan fidgeting with his hands as if he didn’t really know what he was supposed to do now. 

Felix chuckled softly. “Why do you look so nervous?” he didn’t want Chan to feel ridiculed but he couldn’t help asking. 

Chan scratched his ear in the way he always did when he was embarrassed before chuckling himself. “I just really want today to go well,” he openly confessed, making Felix’s heart skip a beat. 

Felix smiled at him, the softest smile he had ever allowed Chan to see. 

“So, what did you bring?” Felix changed the topic, feeling like it wasn’t the right moment to talk about where they stand. They had more time later. 

Chan clearly appreciated his attempt. “I brought snacks,” he said pointing to the bag and confirming Felix’s hypothesis, “then I brought monopoly and scrabble.” 

Felix lit up at that, “you brought scrabbles?” 

Chan grinned, knowing scrabble was Felix’s favourite board game. 

“Oh boy, I’m gonna kick your ass,” Felix declared and turned to sit facing Chan, turning his back to the beautiful sight of the city in front of them. 

At that, Chan burst out laughing, his mind bringing back flashbacks of how competitive Felix could get over scrabble of all games. Still, he didn’t hesitate to take out the game and set it on the blanket between them. 

It didn’t take even fifteen minutes for Felix to start showing his competitive side. 

“Lix, you can’t use _expialidocious_ in scrabble just because Mary Poppins says it, it’s not a real word!” Chan complained, seeing as Felix was starting to create odd words and even odder explanations for them. 

“It is a real word!” Felix countered, “look it up on the dictionary. But not now, do it later when we’re done.” Chan was pretty sure _expialidocious_ was not a word in the dictionary but, by the way Felix was pouting at him, Chan could not say anything against it. He was a weak man after all. 

With 250 points and half of the words made up at the moment, Felix won their match. Chan would have complained if it had been anyone else, but the huge smile on Felix’s lips made it impossible for him to say anything to downplay his win. 

The sun was slowly starting to set as the clock neared six in the evening. Apparently, it wasn’t a reason strong enough for them to move away from the place and, the idea of seeing the sunset from up there only made Felix more excited. 

At some point, when the games were back in the bag and half of the snacks were eaten, Felix started to feel bothered because of the space between them and realised quickly that Chan was never going to move closer, probably afraid to come off too strongly. 

Felix made it his next mission to make Chan understand that he wanted to have him close. Seen as there was nothing on the blanket between them, Felix moved closer to Chan so that he was now sitting right next to him, their hips almost touching. It was impossible for Chan not to notice the difference, Felix understood so as he heard Chan's gasp softly. 

Frustrated by the way Chan was still not doing anything, not even now that he was so close, Felix leaned his head on Chan's shoulder, a clear sign that he was more than fine with Chan touching him. 

Chan seemed to finally catch up to that. “Can I?” he asked in a shaky breath. 

Felix found it funny how Chan had been so confident while suggesting the date but now was so scared to do something wrong. Felix guessed it was one of the signs showing how much he cared about the whole day going just as he had planned. 

“Please,” Felix replied just as breathlessly. 

After that, Chan didn’t waste a second to wrap his left arm around Felix’s shoulders and pull him closer to his body. Felix too didn’t hesitate to bury his head in Chan's neck and smile like a fool, so happy to be where he was. 

The rays of the sun were tinting the sky in beautiful shades of orange as Chan and Felix watched it change, hugged on top of the hill. Felix understood something was coming from the way Chan sighed before he started to talk. 

“I missed this,” Chan simply said and, even though the words were simple, Felix knew there was a lot more behind them. 

“What do you mean?” Felix asked anyway, he had already a feeling of what Chan was talking about but he wanted to hear him say it himself. 

“I missed this, I missed holding you in my arms,” and after a short pause he continued, “I missed you.” 

Chan sounded afraid as if Felix was going to run away from him and from the conversation. But Felix wasn’t going anywhere because he felt the exact same way, how could he not. Still, he didn’t feel like confessing that to Chan quiet yet. 

“Have you always been this cheesy?” Felix asked instead, making crystal clear that he didn’t have a problem with what Chan had just confessed to him with the way he nuzzled his nose in the crook of Chan's neck. 

Chan caught on to that and, with a smile in his voice, he answered, “I have a year of unsaid cheesy comments about you.” Surprised, Felix laughed at that, feeling Chan relax against him. 

“Then let’s hear them,” Felix challenged, completely serious. The thought of having Chan confessing all the things he had missed, as the sun drew closer to the horizon and he had Chan's warmth all over him sounded like the perfect end of the day. 

“I think the thing I missed the most is your laugh, you don't even realise how much it could brighten even my worst days,” Chan started and, for a second Felix wanted to stop him because he wasn’t sure he couldn’t take it without bursting out crying. “I missed waking up next to you. It hasn’t happened often, but every time I always hoped it could become our routine. Then, I missed how clingy you used to get. The feeling of having you in my arms, even now, is one of the things I could never forget.” Chan finished, breathing loudly as if he had just poured his heart out. It didn’t take long for Felix to realise that Chan had done exactly that. 

Felix stayed frozen where he was for a whole minute, trying to take in everything that Chan had said to him. He still felt like he was close to crying but it didn’t stop him from taking the situation as seriously as possible. He felt like this was a turning point, the moment when both of them would finally have all the answers they needed. 

Felix pulled back from the hug, staring back at Chan with an unreadable expression on his face. “I could never handle a relationship like the one we use to have. Hiding all the time, keeping secrets from our friends,” Felix declared. It was not the answer to what Chan had told him, it was an answer to something much bigger and Chan seemed to understand it. 

Felix was saying that he could see a future for them, that he wanted to be with Chan. However, he couldn’t accept it if it meant feeling constantly insecure about his role in Chan's life, watching the older pretend like they hardly knew each other. Deep down, Felix was scared to have to handle things on his own again, without anyone having his back. 

Chan took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down so that Felix knew how serious he was with what he was about to suggest. “And what if we came out?” Chan asked, just as nervous as he had been at the beginning of their date. 

As the words left Chan’s mouth, Felix did a double-take. Never, not even once during their relationship, Chan seemed willing to come out, not even when it had meant losing Felix. Felix was visibly shocked by Chan's suggestion, never expecting to hear that from him and the older chuckled nervously at his reaction. 

“You would come out just to be with me?” Felix stuttered, realising now how wrong he had been before in believing that nothing had changed. 

He had doubted Chan, he had seriously thought that all they had was a lie. But here Chan was, making sure once again that Felix realised how much of their shared past had only been a huge misunderstanding. To prove that, Chan was willing to do what he had always been too afraid to do only because he couldn’t be with Felix otherwise. 

Chan made a bold move and cupped Felix’s cheek with his hand, looking at Felix straight into his eyes so that he could feel how honest he was about this. 

“I’d do anything to have you by my side again, Lix. I lost you once already because I was too stupid to realise you matter more than the rest, I’m not risking that again,” Chan confessed and, this time, he didn’t sound nervous at all. He sounded confident and sure, ready to do anything to prove to Felix how truthful his words were. 

The tears falling on Felix’s cheeks were not something he could bring himself to stop this time. Chan words had hit deep in his heart, his insecurities, which were once hidden, brought back as if they had been waiting for that exact moment. However, this time, Chan's actions, instead of making him feel more miserable at the idea of what they could have had, made him realise that they could still have it all. 

Chan was there, ready to fight for him, even though he didn’t need to. 

Felix’s heart was already his anyway. 

As much as Felix wanted to resist the impulse, there was nothing he could do to fight it back. He leaned in, the already short distance between them becoming even shorter as Felix moved closer to Chan. The older seemed to realise what was happening and used the hand on Felix’s cheek to pull him in impatiently. 

When their lips touched, Felix felt like he had come back to life, like he was breathing oxygen for the first time after being underwater for years. It felt like coming back home, in the most emotional way Felix could have ever imagined. Their lips moved against each other as if they had missed the contact as much as they had missed each other. 

They drank each other’s presence as if it was water in the desert and, even when their lips pulled apart, they leaned their foreheads together and stayed there some more, smiling like fools. 

When they leaned back, the sun had turned into a pink ball into the sky, casting shadows on their blinding smiles. 

Felix chuckled overjoyed, thinking back at something Chan had told him at prom. 

“I guess you were right. You _do_ still know how to make me fall for you.” 

... 

As the days went by, there was still a big, unsaid something looming over them. 

Felix had been clear, he didn’t want a relationship if it meant hiding again and, as much as they had both come to terms with the fact that they wanted to be together, none of them had done the first step yet. Their friends still didn’t know a thing about them even though Felix could see their curious looks directed at them from time to time. 

Felix was the who had hidden from Changbin and Jisung in particular for so long and had made it clear more than once that he was incredibly scared by the thought of them not accepting him. For that reason, Chan was scared to say anything before Felix was ready but, at the same time, Felix felt like it was only fair to let Chan take his time since it was particularly hard for him. 

As it turned out, none of them needed to do anything because their friends were a lot more observative than they looked like. 

Of all the places Felix thought that conversation was going to take place, the school cafeteria was the last one he could imagine. He found it funny though, how months before he had seen Chan again right in the place where they were now coming out to their friends. 

He found equally funny to meet Yeji’s eyes from the other side of the room, the girl smiling at him. After prom, he had made sure to talk to her and, as nicely as possible, tell her that things between them could not work. Yeji was a great girl and an amazing friend, in fact, she understood Felix’s point and, instead of being mad at him, she was glad he gave her a chance and made her prom night special. 

The fact that neither Felix nor Chan were holding back at all was so obvious that Jisung felt pretty confident in addressing the topic in the first place. It was something both he and Changbin had been curious about for a long time, but before it seemed impossible to even think about asking about it without upsetting someone. 

“Is this finally the right time to ask what happened between you two in the past?” Jisung asked, still carefully searching for any reaction that could make him understand it was better to drop it and forget about it. 

Both Felix and Chan snapped their heads in his direction, taken off guard by the sudden question. Before Jisung’s voice called for them, Chan and Felix had been giggling to themselves about something Chan had whispered to Felix, both of them too lost in their own world to see Jisung and Changbin looking at them with their eyebrows raised. 

“Why now?” Felix asked, feeling the nervousness grow in his chest. He had a feeling where the conversation was going to take them and he was sure he wanted to do this, but he still couldn’t help feeling scared over what their reactions’ could be, especially Changbin’s. 

Jisung chuckled, sharing a look with Changbin who just nodded. “You’ve gone from running away from this same safe cafeteria when you saw Chan-hyung months ago, to giggling and whispering to yourselves,” Jisung explained, trying to make Felix understand his point. 

Felix didn’t need an explanation to understand. Just as he was rather confused by how quickly their relationship had changed, he was sure Jisung and Changbin saw it too. He knew the moment had come and, just as Chan's own fingers intertwined with his under the table, he took in a shaky breath. 

“We have known each other for a few years by now.” Felix decided to start with something their friends already knew. “We used to be together,” he finally confessed quietly, feeling Chan's fingers tighten around his. They were both equally nervous. 

From the other side of the table, Jisung and Changbin only looked more confused. “Together as in...” Changbin trailed off, not really getting what Felix was trying to say. 

The fact that it was Changbin the one asking made Felix freeze up. 

“Together as in we used to date,” Chan took the floor, sounding more confident than Felix could have ever been. The fact that Chan sounded so sure as if he was ready to challenge Jisung and Changbin to say something about it, made Felix’s heart grow just that little bit warmer. 

All they were met with was silence. 

Jisung was blinking quickly as if he had just woken up from a dream, while Changbin was staring at them with no expression on his face. A part of Felix was scared by the lack of reaction, but another part was relieved that at least they weren’t making a scene or yelling at them. 

“That was what I meant when I said things were more difficult than what you could understand,” Felix broke the silence by addressing Changbin. A glint of realisation sparkled in Changbin’s eyes, now finally realising why Felix had sounded so upset and defensive that day. 

Jisung took them all off guard again. “Does this have anything to do with the story of the scar that you told us that day?” he asked, leaning on the table ready to listen to anything they were finally getting. 

“Why do you ask?” Felix questioned back, surprised that Jisung had found a link between the two things. 

“I noticed Chan-hyung’s reaction while you were telling us the story. It looked like he had a lot to say,” Jisung explained. He sounded focused as if he was trying to solve a difficult riddle. At the same time, however, his expression turned darker as he looked at Chan as if he had already understood that the boy had done something wrong in the past. 

At this point, it was useless to lie, their friends deserved to know the truth. “I was the friend Felix mentioned, the one that didn’t help him that day,” Chan confessed, his voice still sounding just as ashamed as it did when he had explained himself to Felix. “Only, we weren’t friends but I was his boyfriend. That was the reason why we broke up.” 

This time, the words definitely drew a reaction. Jisung’s stare became so piercing that Chan felt like he was trying to make him burst into flames, while Changbin’s eyes grew wide as his fists tightened on the table. 

“How could you do that to him?” Changbin asked, sounding angrier than Felix had ever heard him. Felix remembered that day in the cafeteria and how Changbin had promised to cut all bridges with Chan even before knew the story behind their relationship and smiled. He surely wasn’t joking. 

However, Felix was quick to reassure both Jisung and Changbin. “It’s okay now, really. I understand why he did that and we talked it out already,” Felix made sure to clarify. After all, they wouldn’t have been there if things didn’t go as well as they did. This time, it was Felix who squeezed Chan's hand under the table, a silent attempt to reassure the boy that they were in this together. 

Felix’s explanation didn’t manage to fully convince Jisung and Changbin who still looked defensive but, at least, it didn’t look like they were about to murder Chan anymore. “And what are you guys now?” Jisung continued once he got over the anger towards Chan. The fact that he didn't look upset by the idea of them being together reassured Felix incredibly but it also made it more obvious that Changbin was still silent. 

They both wondered about what the most fitting answer to that was. They thought of the year they spent apart, the months of working to build something again, the slow dancing on prom night, the kiss they had shared just some days before and their fingers intertwined as they were speaking. 

“It’s complicated,” Felix decided. Neither of them had put a label on what they were yet, not as they still waited to tell their friends about their past. Now that they finally did, Felix was sure things were going to change, but he couldn’t tell Jisung and Changbin that before properly having a talk with Chan. 

No one spoke for a good minute. Chan and Felix were still trying to wrap their minds about the fact that they had just come out to their friends, they had overcome the one thing that had always made them question their relationship. Jisung and Changbin, on the other hand, were just thinking about the new information and finally understanding the reasons for Felix’s behaviour around Chan in the beginning. 

Surprisingly, it was Changbin the one who broke the silence this time. “Is this why you were so defensive when we were talking about guys taking guys to prom?” he asked Chan and, if Felix didn’t know better, he almost sounded ashamed. 

Chan quickly understood what Changbin was referring to and nodded. 

“I’m sorry I was such an asshole about it. Ever since I was little I was taught that not being straight is abnormal, I’m just not used to people being so open about it,” Changbin apologized and Felix felt a weight disappear from his chest. Changbin looked upset, now realising how hurtful the things he had told Chan were, especially if his and Felix’s relationship hadn’t been the easiest because of people who said the exact same things. 

“We understand it, hyung. We are not mad or upset about it,” Felix quickly said before Changbin could put more blame on himself. 

Both Chan and Felix had been upset by Changbin’s words at first, but it didn’t take long for them to realize how different the cultures they grew up in were. As Changbin himself said, he was not used to people being so open about same-sex relationships so it was understandable that it wasn’t so easy for him to grasp the concept in the same way that it was for Felix and Chan. 

Changbin raised his eyes from where he was staring at the table between them and smiled shyly at the boys in front of him. “I’m really happy for you, I’m glad things worked out at the end,” he said, simple words that were more than enough to make Felix almost tear up. 

As lunch break continued and students started to leave the cafeteria, Changbin and Jisung kept telling them stories about their classes and teachers like it was any other normal day. 

But, when Felix turned to look at Chan, he realised that things weren’t the same. 

The hand tightly holding his own under the table was a reminder of that. 

... 

When Felix checked his phone that afternoon, Chan’s text didn’t come as a surprise. 

A simple _I need to talk to you, come over whenever you can_ and an address attached to it. The first thing Felix realised was that the address was not the same one as the one of the street Chan used to live in years before. Before he could think too much about that small detail, the butterflies in his stomach started to wake up. 

Felix had a feeling he knew what Chan wanted to talk about and it was the same thing he had been dying to address too. Still, he didn’t want to pressure Chan into anything, so he had waited a few days after the conversation with Changbin and Jisung. It looked like Chan was finally sick of waiting. 

Felix didn’t waste a minute before he started getting dressed and sent Chan a text saying he was on his way. 

The address Chan had sent was to a building further from Felix’s house than what he had expected. It didn’t look bad but it didn’t look like it was well taken care of either. Chan had told him his apartment was number three, so without wasting more time, Felix went straight to his door and knocked gently. 

“Hey, Lix,” Chan greeted, opening the door in no more than five seconds later. 

Chan was wearing a pair of sweatpants and a large shirt, comfortable clothes that made Felix’s heart beat faster for some reason. It had been a long time since they had just hung out at each other’s houses so casually. Chan's parents had always been assholes, so they never hang out at Chan’s house if they knew they were going to be there. Their days were mostly spent at Felix’s house, his mom believing they were just normal hangouts between friends and never complaining since she liked Chan. 

Once he was in, it didn’t take long for Felix to realise what the big change in Chan's house was. “Do you live alone?” Felix asked surprised. 

It was a one-room apartment, not too big but neither small in any sense of the word. The bed was unmade and some of Chan's clothes were hanging from chairs and some were on the floor. It was not the most beautiful apartment Felix had ever seen, but it looked cosy and homey, Chan's signature written on every bit of it. 

“As soon as they could, my parents kicked me out. They still pay for this apartment but, since it’s closer to school, they took the chance and told me to get lost,” Chan explained, scratching the back of his neck. One would think he should have sounded more upset about it, but Felix knew how difficult his relationship with his family was. Probably, living alone even at such a young age was better for him than tolerating his parents’ nonsense all the time. 

Before he could reply with anything, Chan motioned for him to sit on the tiny couch he had in a corner and soon did the same. Both of them stayed silent, Felix waiting for Chan to start and Chan seeming focused on finding the right words among the ones swimming in his brain. When two minutes went by in total quietness, Felix tried to push Chan a bit. 

“So, what did you want to talk about?” he asked, gently and carefully so that Chan could still take all the time he needed. The answer didn’t come straight away but, at least, it made Chan snap out of his thoughts and finally focus on Felix again. 

The boy took a deep breath before starting. “We came out to our friends,” he said matter of factly even though his voice was still shaking. 

“Yes, we did,” Felix confirmed once he understood Chan was not going to add anything else. 

“And they took it well. They were even happy for us,” Chan said and Felix was pretty sure he was either talking to himself or he really didn’t know how to say what he wanted to say. Felix nodded once again, hoping for Chan to finally say what was in his mind. 

“How do you feel about it?” Chan finally asked and, even though it wasn't what Felix had expected, he knew Chan was just making sure they were on the same page before anything else could be decided. 

“It’s hard to believe, to be honest. When things between us ended, I was sure nothing could have ever been the same. Until two months ago, I would have never even thought about coming out to people after trying to keep it a secret for so long,” Felix opened up, wearing his heart on his sleeve so that there could be no misunderstandings between them anymore. 

“And what do you think now that we’re here?” Chan questioned, scared to read between the lines things that were only his own hopes. 

At that question, Felix chuckled before staring right at Chan with the softest smile on his lips. 

“I think that I would be a fool to let go of you again now that you changed and definitely understood what you did wrong in the past. Ever since we met again, you tried everything to get me to listen to you and you never gave up, even when I was an asshole to you.” Felix’s heart was ready to beat out of his ribcage, due to how excited he was. 

Chan perked up, all the tension in his shoulders disappearing. “Does this mean you would give us a second chance?” If Felix had not been weak already, the childlike hope that was written on Chan's face definitely made him so now. The idea that Chan cared so much, that he had fought until the last minute to make things work, that he had never given up even when it looked like there was no chance made it impossible for Felix not to want him in his life again. 

Chan had changed, had understood his mistakes and, above all, had proven Felix how much he loved him, always had. 

Felix smiled again, his hands coming up to cup Chan’s cheeks and bring him closer. 

“I missed you,” he breathed an inch away from Chan's lips before closing the distance between them. 

No matter how many times they kissed, Felix was sure he was going to feel like he could faint even after one hundred kisses. Chan kissed back just as needily as he took in what Felix’s words meant. 

Chan and Felix, the couple who two years before had to sneak out just to be able to spend some time together. Chan and Felix, the couple who one year ago was sure they were never going to meet again and their only memory of the other was going to be having their heart broken. 

Chan and Felix, the couple who was now kissing on Chan’s shitty couch after coming out to their friends and giving their relationship a second chance. 

There was still so much to figure out but, as Felix watched Chan and his mum laugh over dinner after they had come out as a couple to her too, he finally realised that changes didn’t necessarily need to be negative all the time. 

Sometimes changes brought happiness too and, as he met Chan’s eyes staring lovely at him, he couldn’t be more sure of that. 

**Author's Note:**

> I had so much fun writing this and it also took me a long time so I really hope you liked it!  
> As always, thanks to Eddie who helped me out and is always so supportive, to Sarah who gave me advice when I was stuck and to Manny who gave me inspiration for the soft parts <3  
> i'm always up for a talk @  
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